









Defining Quiet BPD
Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a form of BPD where people primarily internalise their own emotions, mental health issues and challenges, making the condition less visible to others. Unlike other types of BPD, where emotions and behaviours are often externally expressed, people with quiet BPD experience intense emotional struggles internally.
How to recognise if a person experiences quiet borderline personality disorder? For context, there are primary characteristics that people experience, including:
Internalised intense emotions: People manage their feelings internally, often resulting in significant distress, emotional regulation difficulties and emotional instability.
Self-blame: A common tendency to take responsibility for interpersonal difficulties, accompanied by guilt or shame, leading to self-destructive behaviors and low self-esteem.
Avoidance of Conflict: People may avoid relationships or situations to prevent emotional discomfort driven by an intense fear of conflict or rejection.
Chronic Emptiness: Persistent feelings of emptiness or numbness, along with uncertainty about one’s identity or sense of self.
Perfectionism and Over-Control: A focus on maintaining control and striving for perfection, which can lead to heightened self-criticism and stress.
⇒ Read more about the causes and characteristics of Borderline personality disorder (BPD).










Recognising Quiet BPD in Relationships
Recognising Quiet BPD in relationships can be challenging, as its characteristics often overlap with other mental health disorders, making it difficult to distinguish. The subtle nature of the symptoms of quiet BPD, such as emotional withdrawal, poor self-image and fear of abandonment, can lead to unstable interpersonal relationships, leaving both partners feeling uncertain and disconnected. The person mostly feels like they need to suppress their emotions, as they may seem calm externally but experience intense emotions, making it difficult for partners to detect stress. A pervasive fear of rejection or abandonment may lead to behaviours aimed at maintaining closeness, such as seeking constant reassurance or withdrawing emotionally to avoid potential hurt.
What is also common is people having communication challenges and difficulty expressing emotions and needs. These behaviours can result in misunderstandings and unmet expectations within the relationship. The fear of vulnerability may further inhibit open dialogue, which can strain the relationship. When it comes to internalising negative emotions, people with quiet BPD feel the need to put blame on themselves and experience feelings of guilt, which directly puts the relationship under strain.
⇒ You might be interested in understanding the differences between Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) vs Autism.










Impact on Relationships











Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can significantly shape the dynamics of a relationship, often in subtle but profound ways, just as in many personality disorders. The internalisation of emotional distress and the fear of vulnerability characteristic of individuals with quiet BPD can create challenges for both partners. How can partners foster empathy and find ways to channel these dynamics together?
Progress is not always linear, but it is progress nonetheless. Begin by exploring the quiet BPD impact on relationships.
Challenges in Communication and Emotional Expression
The person with a quiet BPD can feel like he has unspoken needs and might find it hard to voice their feelings or preferences, leading to misunderstandings or unmet expectations. Avoiding conflict to maintain harmony may prevent the person from discussing important issues in the relationship and openly discussing them, causing them to build up over time. Also, partners may feel confused by seemingly inconsistent behaviours or emotions that don’t align with outward expressions.
Fear of Abandonment
Even when not openly expressed, a deep fear of rejection or abandonment may influence behaviours within the relationship. This might result in:
Clinging tendencies: Seeking reassurance through subtle cues or constant need for validation.
Withdrawal: Preemptively distancing themselves emotionally to avoid the perceived risk of being hurt.
These behaviours can leave partners unsure how to provide emotional support or meet their loved ones.
Emotional Turmoil
People with quiet BPD often experience intense emotions that they keep hidden from their partners. This suppression can lead to intense mood swings, emotional exhaustion, or feelings of disconnection in the relationship. The partner may sense something is wrong but feel confused or uncertain about how to address it.
The partner of someone with quiet BPD may feel emotionally drained due to the ongoing need to provide reassurance or navigate everyday life with emotional complexities. Without proper support or understanding, this can lead to:
Feelings of inadequacy in offering help.
Misinterpretation of withdrawal or mood changes as disinterest.
Frustration or helplessness in understanding their loved one’s inner struggles.










How Does Someone with BPD Act in a Relationship?
People with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), including the quiet subtype, often experience intense emotions and fears that influence their behaviours in relationships. While everyone’s experience is unique, specific patterns and behaviours are common. Below are examples of how someone with quiet BPD might act in a relationship, highlighting challenges and strengths.












A person with BPD may have a heightened sensitivity to perceived rejection or abandonment.
Example: If their partner doesn’t respond to a text message quickly, they might feel anxious or assume the partner is losing interest.
Possible Reaction: They may seek reassurance by repeatedly asking if their partner still loves them or withdrawing emotionally to protect themselves.
They might struggle to communicate their needs clearly out of fear of burdening their partner or being rejected.
Example: Instead of saying, “I need some reassurance,” they might become distant, hoping their partner will notice and provide comfort.
Possible Impact: This indirect communication can lead to misunderstandings or unmet needs in the relationship.
People with BPD may overanalyse small changes in their partner’s behaviour, interpreting them as signs of deeper issues.
Example: If their partner seems distracted during a conversation, they might assume they are no longer interested in the relationship.
Possible Reaction: This could lead to feelings of insecurity, prompting reassurance-seeking or emotional withdrawal.
Relationships can sometimes feel like a rollercoaster, with alternating periods of idealising their partner and feeling let down.
Example: They might see their partner as perfect and the source of all their happiness one day but feel disappointed or even resentful the next if their partner fails to meet a specific expectation.
Disagreements can feel overwhelming, and they may react strongly or avoid conflict.
Example: During an argument, they might become very upset and withdraw, fearing that the conflict signals the end of the relationship. Alternatively, they may try to avoid communication issues, hoping to keep the peace.










Supporting a Partner with Quiet BPD
Quiet BPD often involves internalised struggles that might not be immediately visible, leaving your partner to silently handle intense emotions, self-doubt, and fear of abandonment. As their partner, your understanding, patience, and willingness to provide support can make a world of difference in their journey toward emotional stability and well-being. Equipping yourself with the right knowledge and tools can help create a relationship built on trust, empathy, and mutual growth.
Encouraging Open Communication
- Establish a space where your partner feels comfortable expressing themselves without fear of criticism or rejection. This approach encourages honest sharing of thoughts and feelings.
- Give your partner your full attention during conversations, showing empathy and understanding. This validates their emotions and fosters a deeper connection.
- Express your feelings and concerns using "I" statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, say, "I feel concerned when..." instead of ''You always...".
- In your interactions, demonstrate patience and consistency. This approach will help your partner feel more secure and supported, especially during emotional times.
- Encourage your partner to express their feelings openly and honestly, without fear of judgment or reprisal. This can help them feel heard and understood.
- Encourage your partner to seek treatments from a mental health professional, such as therapy, and offer to support them in this process.










Seeking Professional Help and Treatment
Living with Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can feel like an emotional rollercoaster, where intense feelings often remain unspoken, leading to confusion, isolation, and self-doubt. For those who experience a mental health disorder, it is important to remember that there is no shame in reaching out for support. Professional treatment, tailored to a person’s unique needs, can help foster emotional stability, improve relationships, and encourage a deeper sense of self-worth. With the right guidance, managing Quiet BPD and building a healthier, more fulfilling life is entirely possible.
Several treatment options are available to support people with Quiet BPD:
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT): Specifically designed for BPD, DBT focuses on teaching skills to manage emotions, develop healthy relationships, and reduce self-destructive behaviours. It combines individual therapy with group skills training. It has been recommended by the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) as the first treatment for women with BPD who have a history of self-harming behaviour.
Mentalisation-based therapy (MBT) aims to improve one’s ability to understand and interpret one’s thoughts and feelings, enhancing interpersonal relationships. It is typically delivered over 18 months.
Arts Therapies: Creative therapies such as art, dance movement, drama, and music therapy can help people express thoughts and feelings non-verbally, which may be particularly beneficial for those with quiet BPD who find verbal expression challenging.
Our therapy team comprises Positive Behaviour Support (PBS) specialists and Occupational and Speech and Language therapists.
→ For more information on how we can support you, please contact us today.
Our offices: Bristol, South East, Birmingham and Somerset.









